Picture speaks
Song speaks
Word speaks

But do u speak?







I speak and i am glad that i am still alive on this "lovely" earth.
Can u distinguish ME to set happiness free in my body?
No one could help it unless urself.
I know I understand.

We should stand up and be responsible
Stop emo kan?
Yea.Perhaps, this is the first step i should have.
Then?
Being positive and keep myself moving.
And force myself to believe that there's always a dream can be fulfilled.
But greedy makes me suffocate.

I want to own a complete family, not perfect but loving each other.
I am not trying to complain that my mama doesn't love me or my passed away grandma didn't love me.
Deep in my heart, i know they love me more than anyone does. Indeed.
But i wish i can sleep soundly in my dad's arms. I never get a chance.
I don't deserve to meet them too. Never until the day of death, i guess.

I said "jealousy aint good. But how to resist it?"
There will be no exact answer upon.
I am jealous. At the same time, i am gratitude.
Do u sense something awkward now?
Yes, u r right. Sometimes, i feel like i am insane and i have few souls inside me.
Speechless for this second.

I want to own a good life, not so rich but at least i won't be worrying.
My responsibility in money,
Insurance, House, Car, Life expenses, Mum's medical expenses.
How am i going to get those BIG AMOUNT in the future if i really take arts as my major?
I don't believe that it would give me a better life at least, secured?
BUT THAT'S MY DREAM!

SO WHAT? i am mad!
Soundless voice saying ARE U NUTS? U R SHIT BLOODY SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED GIRL!
Wake up and look at urself, Are u so good in dancing? ARE U?
Can u afford to live when u r getting old and more wrinkles and ur bone cracks so easily?!
Go the hell and get some other degree which can FEED U and UR MUM!
yeah~ that's surrounding me all the time~


I am crying. Telling out.
I know i know. I don't have the ability. I can't see the talent. I can't find it.
I am lost hereby, in the halfway of seeking it.
But..that's my dream. Shouldn't we do something good once in our whole life?
Is that good u supposed? FUCK OFF.
U can't even make a promise to urself that u r going to give ur mama a good life.
USELESS DUMB
who else do u have in this world?
Even though i know, they exist in one of the corner. SO?
U all dumped me! Since that i don't belong to there anymore!
It was a hard decision? I supposed it was.
That's y I am crying so hard.
I hate u all but i still miss u all.
No picture No memory but when i was inside ur stomach for that 9 months, I FEEL.



After all, i found out suicidal was not the solution, it didn't work out.
Coward? Nah. Useless i can say.
It is a tough task more than i expected.
Face it with the fucking guts!
Do i have it? Do I?
No
NO no NONOnono NO nO No NOnononNONOnNONononononoNONONONonOnoNO