So much of things happened today. Haha.

Let's do report here.

Title : Grief

First of all, I am upset but guilty. Don't tell me such thing to make me guilty. I pretended i didn't hear it because i didn't want to make the situation worse. I rather keep the breaking sound inside my heart. I didn't make it there doesn't mean i don't care and i am not worried. If so, i wouldn't have such nightmare because of being too anxious. Don't forget this. U know it is not so easy to take leave and there was mistaken information. U always been sorry for not accompanying me so often due to ur work. If so, i don't have to work? Not to forget that i don't posses a car which i can run where ever i want to. I can't do any decision when the car key is not mine. I m not home so often because i know u would not be able to give a visit to me and i HATE loneliness. But please do not misjudge me. I am not having fun while u are suffering there. I am sad and having heartache too. I do care u so much like ur family k. Don't compare. It's so hurt. I already felt so guilty and useless, y could u still make things worse.

Secondly, i am annoyed by ur friends. They are not little kids anymore but y can't they understand that they shouldn't make fun of ppl and after been so long time, they still manage to bring the issues up in their EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION. Facebook is so public where everybody can access. I tried my best to ignore and try to understand that they don't actually mean it but just as a joke. Don't they know it's very irritating? I know i can let it go and ignore and being generous, yeah, it's my fault for not accomplishing it. FAILURE! I know it's non of my business but it still makes me recall lot of things. Yes i will take this as a challenge and make myself FACE IT BRAVELY! Bring ur guts out from ur butt PUDPUD! Hypnotizing myself that " I DON'T MIND I DON'T MIND I DON'T MIND!"

Last but not least, I beh tahan myself. Y would justice means so much to me? I can't bear when my bestie get bullied and doesn't dare to say it out. Please la. Don't be a coward and voice urself out. I beh tahan myself for being so kepo and loving to be their mouth. Hey, ppl treats u that good doesn't mean u can take things as granted ok. Please watch out n mind urself. U, urself said so loudly in front of us that u don't need man's money and u don't need man to feed u and u don't need man to be survived. Alright. Then y r u using my bestie? Y don't u pay the correct amount to him and y don't u take ur own cigarette and y don't u drive ur own car to work? Don't take me as a bridge. I tried to pretend that i don't care but i really can't make it. Aihz. SEE! this is me and i hate myself being like this. In my opinion, i don't like to trouble ppl if i can do it myself unless i really hv no choice then i'll make my face foundation powder as thick as i could. Don't be lidat la. He's a good guy don't la use him like he is not worth of it. Please be nice to him if u treat him as a bestie. Prove it but not only by words. SHOW IT!

Summary: I don't know y my feelings is so confused at the same time. Sad day.

Picture speaks
Song speaks
Word speaks

But do u speak?







I speak and i am glad that i am still alive on this "lovely" earth.
Can u distinguish ME to set happiness free in my body?
No one could help it unless urself.
I know I understand.

We should stand up and be responsible
Stop emo kan?
Yea.Perhaps, this is the first step i should have.
Then?
Being positive and keep myself moving.
And force myself to believe that there's always a dream can be fulfilled.
But greedy makes me suffocate.

I want to own a complete family, not perfect but loving each other.
I am not trying to complain that my mama doesn't love me or my passed away grandma didn't love me.
Deep in my heart, i know they love me more than anyone does. Indeed.
But i wish i can sleep soundly in my dad's arms. I never get a chance.
I don't deserve to meet them too. Never until the day of death, i guess.

I said "jealousy aint good. But how to resist it?"
There will be no exact answer upon.
I am jealous. At the same time, i am gratitude.
Do u sense something awkward now?
Yes, u r right. Sometimes, i feel like i am insane and i have few souls inside me.
Speechless for this second.

I want to own a good life, not so rich but at least i won't be worrying.
My responsibility in money,
Insurance, House, Car, Life expenses, Mum's medical expenses.
How am i going to get those BIG AMOUNT in the future if i really take arts as my major?
I don't believe that it would give me a better life at least, secured?
BUT THAT'S MY DREAM!

SO WHAT? i am mad!
Soundless voice saying ARE U NUTS? U R SHIT BLOODY SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED GIRL!
Wake up and look at urself, Are u so good in dancing? ARE U?
Can u afford to live when u r getting old and more wrinkles and ur bone cracks so easily?!
Go the hell and get some other degree which can FEED U and UR MUM!
yeah~ that's surrounding me all the time~


I am crying. Telling out.
I know i know. I don't have the ability. I can't see the talent. I can't find it.
I am lost hereby, in the halfway of seeking it.
But..that's my dream. Shouldn't we do something good once in our whole life?
Is that good u supposed? FUCK OFF.
U can't even make a promise to urself that u r going to give ur mama a good life.
USELESS DUMB
who else do u have in this world?
Even though i know, they exist in one of the corner. SO?
U all dumped me! Since that i don't belong to there anymore!
It was a hard decision? I supposed it was.
That's y I am crying so hard.
I hate u all but i still miss u all.
No picture No memory but when i was inside ur stomach for that 9 months, I FEEL.



After all, i found out suicidal was not the solution, it didn't work out.
Coward? Nah. Useless i can say.
It is a tough task more than i expected.
Face it with the fucking guts!
Do i have it? Do I?
No
NO no NONOnono NO nO No NOnononNONOnNONononononoNONONONonOnoNO